APACHE JUNCTION, AZ—A disturbance was reported Thursday night at the Wal-Mart Supercenter located in the 2000 block of West Apache Trail when a young woman was detained by store security for disorderly conduct.

Tempe resident Hannah Hinkleberger, 23, was spotted darting violently back and forth between the women’s wear, shoes, and intimates department of the global retail giant when she was approached by Thurgood “Goodie” Thundermist, store security captain.

“I was told to keep an eye on the girl, and I’m glad I did,” said Thundermist, on a break from wrangling shopping carts in the parking lot. “She had a large purse and wild eyes, all key pieces of the shoplifter puzzle. She shoved a couple kids out of the way, too. I ran after her for a good ten minutes before I found her crouching by a rack of plus-sized clearance active wear mumbling something about a ‘buffer item.’”

After checking Hinkleberger’s bag, Thundermist determined she was not shoplifting, rather just embarrassed by her intended purchase of a matching black lace bra and panty set retailing at the roll-back price of $12.87.

The official store incident report quoted Hinkleberger describing the aforementioned “buffer item” as an “inexpensive secondary item used to detract attention from the potentially-embarrassing main purchase, which must be big enough to generally cover the main item for the duration of the walk to the check-out line.”

A visibly frazzled Hinkleberger was held in the store’s un-air-conditioned office for approximately fifteen minutes, glancing repeatedly at the manager’s hastily framed community college diploma and fervently chain-smoking despite repeated requests to stop.

“Look, I’m not used to this kind of thing,” she frantically offered in her own defense, as Stevie Wonder’s “You are the Sunshine of My Life” played quietly throughout the store. “The lights in here are so bright and the check-out lines are so long you can’t hide anything. I was just trying to find a freaking buffer item, I swear!”

When questioned about her erratic cross-departmental travel, Hinkleberger explained, “I only had $20 and I couldn’t find any shoes I wanted, and I didn’t like any of the novelty t-shirts that were on sale. Plus I couldn’t just buy more underwear. That totally defeats the purpose of the buffer item!”

Pressed by Thundermist to explain further, she said, “It’s just there’s this guy at work who’s been hitting on me like crazy and I wanted to be prepared in case anything happened at our office’s happy hour tomorrow night.”

Taking a moment to wring out her sweaty hands and then continue hugging herself and rocking back and forth, she persisted, “All my underwear is white cotton and comes in packs of three. I can’t really expect the magic to happen while wearing that, now can I? Why don’t I just scream at him ‘Fine! I haven’t had sex in a year!’? I mean, I don’t want to look desperate!”

Shaking her head, she added, “I don’t even like him that much, and I know it’ll be awkward on Monday—but come on, a year’s a long time.”

“Well I estimate her behavior’s a little weird,” said Thundermist while brushing Funions dust off his royal blue vest. “But I guess I know where she’s coming from. I never pick up a Hustler without throwing a Slim Jim on the counter, too.”

Initially noting Hinkleberger’s odd conduct from her post at register number 18, senior cashier Pauline Pitts was the first to alert Thundermist to the potentially problematic Wal-Mart shopper.

“Yeah, I called Goodie over because I was done tearing the Skoal coupons out of Field and Stream and saw the girl acting all funny.”

With a look of haggard experience in her eye, she added, “You know, folks don’t need buffer items. All kinds of crazy stuff makes it up to this register alone. Tampons, condoms, Tucks pads—hell, I even had an old couple come up together with a value-pack of KY Warming Touch. It wasn’t pretty, but I don’t judge.”

Turning her head to sneer in Hinkleberger’s general direction, she raised her voice to include, “They probably couldn’t afford buffer items during The Depression.”

Given the propensity for uncomfortable solo purchases made daily at this Wal-Mart location, which often features strategically placed blue-light specials on Sudafed, tin foil, and industrial strength rat poisoning, Hinkleberger’s actions were enough to generally perplex both un-unionized employees.

“I don’t really know why she was so embarrassed,” said Thundermist. “If my wife ever picked out a pretty little pair of underpants like that girl did, I’d be pleased as punch. Shoot, I’d make her put it on her head all the way to the register, just so I could point her out to the greeters and yell ‘that’s MY wife!’”

“Lordy, I sure can’t stand girls like that,” added an increasingly annoyed Pitts. “They come in with their pretty hair and their full set of teeth and they think the world’s going to stop just because they’re buying some plain jane panties. Sweet Jesus, who does she think she is, Loni Anderson?!”

Feverishly shifting her toothpick from the right side of her mouth to the left without upsetting her cherry red lipstick, Pitts continued, “I’ll tell you what—you want a real woman, you come to me. I don’t even wear underwear. And when I do, I have to order it special. Like from Japan.”

The distraught Hinkleberger was allowed to pay for her items upon her release from the security office, provided she extinguish her several lit cigarettes. After repeated foiled attempts to exit through the entrance doors on the way to her vehicle, she was observed furrowing her brow and loudly proclaiming, “See Mom! This is why I can’t have a boyfriend!”

— Heather Hull, Senior TWJ Correspondent on Gender and Globalization