November 4th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

10 Times Someone Thought The Whiskey Journal Was Real And A Shameless Plug

1. “Even the headline is misleading”

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2. Questioning the system?

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3. Straight to the point. 

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4. “God is the answer.” 

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5. “I need to come up with a study…”

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6 “Well done, child. Well done.” 

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7. “Does this really matter?”

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8. “I don’t hate him, he”

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9. Dude is really worried about D’Generation X splitting up. 

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10. People are very passionate about Jennifer Lawrence. 

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And now a shameless plug: 

The Whiskey Journal Live! is back, starting the first Wednesday of every month at The Lincoln Lodge, with its first performance on Nov. 6.

The late night talk show-styled extravaganza features Chicago stand-up comic and The Whiskey Journal creator, Kyle Scanlan as host, with his sidekick, Ross Kelly. The show will also feature several segments from other TWJ writers including Ian Abramson and Tim Barnes, as seen on Steve Harvey and Explosion Bus. The Whiskey Journal’s satirical take on modern life and major news events will be on full display, with fresh monologue jokes, desk pieces and video sketches. The show will also feature one of Chicago’s best stand up comedians opening the show (Drew Frees on Nov 6th), and a live house band.

Tickets for The Whiskey Journal Live! are only $5 online and will be $10 at the door. So don’t be a dumb nerd and wait till the last minute to get tickets at the door. This is super important.

BUY TICKETS HERE: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/502962

October 14th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Check out the newly redesigned TheWhiskeyJournal.com

Hey folks, 

After spending more than one million hours designing, coding and programming, we’ve launched a newly redesigned TheWhiskeyJournal.com

We won’t be posting in this tumblr anymore, and in a few weeks we’ll delete most of the content on here, as we’re told the internet doesn’t like it when you have two of the same awesome articles posted in different places. Whatever, nerds.

Thanks for following us on tumblr, and we hope you enjoy TheWhiskeyJournal.com.

October 11th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Black People Decide To Take Rock ‘N’ Roll Back

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By Tim Barnes

BROOKLYN — Earlier today leaders of the R&B and hip hop community held a press conference announcing that they will be reclaiming rock ‘n’ roll. This news was actually leaked weeks ago when Kanye West accidentally screamed, “I am the king of rock ‘n’ roll!” to an audience of thousands.

Rock ‘n’ roll, a musical form with African-American origins, was famously loaned to white culture in the summer of 1953, when an unknown Elvis Presley cornered Chuck Berry after a show, saying “Hey man, can I borrow some music?”

Chuck, assuming he was a junkie, felt sorry for Elvis and handed him rock ‘n’ roll. Black people haven’t seen it since.

In the coming days a group of respected black artists including Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, and Justin Timberlake plan to release a new album titled The Back to Rock Movement.

Lil Wayne had this to say: (translation unavailable)

In related news, B.B. King announced that he will be releasing his first dubstep record.

Tim Barnes is senior music editor for The Whiskey Journal and an accomplished math rock drummer.

October 10th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Entire New York Giants Roster Listed As ‘Questionable’

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By Xavier Lamont

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — Today in a joint press conference, Giants general manager Jerry Reese and head coach Tom Coughlin announced that the entire team would be listed on the injury report as “questionable.”

When asked how it was possible that the entire ball club could be injured at the same time Coughlin responded “Actually, in my tenure as coach in New York I’ve actually never had a healthier, less injured team.”

He went on to inform the gathered press, while continuously using air quotes, that “questionable” wasn’t literal and he wanted to be clear it was a reference to the team’s “playing ability.”

Long time GM Jerry Reese added that he too felt the team, which he is responsible for putting together, wasn’t up to snuff and that he even attempted a trade for the Seattle Seahawks.

“Those guys in Seattle really seem to know what they are doing,” Reese stated. “They wouldn’t even take my call on the trade for the whole team and honestly, I don’t blame them.”

When the two were asked what they had planned for Thursday’s game against Chicago, Coughlin, still using air quotes, said “We are going to try to play hard, I guess?” He later added “If it were up to me I’d list the team as doubtful but ol’ Reesky over here thought that might lower team moral even more.” 

“With this shortened week, it’s really tough to get a new team in here that quickly,” GM Reese added. “We are in talks with both the University of Alabama and England’s Arsenal Football teams about a one week swap.”

He ended the press conference saying “Fingers crossed and Roll Tide!” 

Contrary to popular belief Xavier Lamont DOES NOT play in the NFL and has no intention to do so no matter how much you think he probably should.

October 9th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Chicago Replaces Transit Card With Slice Of Ham

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By Cole Moser

CHICAGO — In an unexpected move the Chicago Transit Authority announced on Wednesday that the organization’s current transit card would be replaced with a slice of ham, according to city officials.

Citing the absolute lack of problems with current card system, the CTA announced the new ham slice system was critical and would take effect immediately.

Sources close to the situation report that the CTA has signed a 75-year, no-bid contract with the Boar’s Head deli meat company worth $2.6 billion to supply the ham for the new system. Costs for single fares are expected to increase to $4.99 per pound, per ride.

"The ham slice hearkens back to the days when our city was the meatpacking capital of the nation, butcher shop to the world," said CTA President Forrest Claypool. "We want to capture that bygone era of unreliable, borderline dangerous transportation."

Passes will no longer be available in monthly, weekly or 3-day increments but will be available in regular, smoked and honey-baked varieties. 

"Transit Ham comes in three flavors and is perfectly edible," assured Claypool. Slices can be purchased from refrigerated vending machines located in all CTA stations and will feature an edible magnetic strip.

When asked if swiping the slice of ham at the turnstile would actually work Claypool said “No, it will not work.”


Cole Moser is a freelance ham blogger who is proud of his city’s innovative, almost-Soviet level dedication to fucking over its residents.

Image by James Webb.

October 8th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Pluto Relegated To Lesser Character Status

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By Ross Kelly

ORLANDO, Fla. — A spokesperson for The EPCOT Center announced Tuesday they have determined that Pluto lacks the sufficient qualities to officially be named a main character. Instead, Pluto has been relegated from the Magic Kingdom to the Fantasyland Kingdom. 

The Magic Kingdom, now with only eight members, consists of Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Cinderella, Snow White, Donald Duck, Goofy, Peter Pan and Pinocchio. The Fantasyland Kingdom, a much broader group of characters, consists of characters such as the Seven Dwarves, Bolt, The Mad Hatter and twin chipmunks, Chip and Dale. 

"For so long, we just took for granted that [Pluto] was a main character because of his association with Mickey Mouse," said Daniel Stolen, spokesperson for EPCOT. "But after a closer inspection, which we had always thought unnecessary, we noticed that he was just a shitty dog that didn’t really bring anything to the table at all. At least Goofy talks."

Ross Kelly did more research for this article than he would like to admit.

October 7th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Groomsman Relies On Common Sense After Missing Wedding Rehearsal

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By Jeff Arcuri

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Quickthinking groomsman Rodney Jessel was forced to rely on common sense after missing his brother’s wedding rehearsal, according to multiple sources. 

“At first I was mortified about missing the rehearsal, but then I said to myself ‘Hey, I’m not an idiot’ and figured it out,” Jessel, 25, said. He admitted he had never been a groomsman before, but did graduate high school with a 2.8 GPA.

Jessel’s new sister-in-law Jennifer had her reservations about the situation, saying “I know Rodney is a smart guy, but what if he fell or something?” She continued, “This entire wedding is being recorded and we all know how often you watch your wedding video after the wedding.” The marriage was Jennifer’s second, the first being to a drummer.

The groomsman reported that the ceremony was flawless and was proud to apply his knowledge of walking, standing, and smiling to drive his performance home. The groom indicated that he was quite impressed, but still hopes Jessel can make it on time for the next one.

 Jeff Arcuri keeps a diary on every wedding he attends and always brings extra deodorant.

October 5th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Miley Cyrus Licks Picture Of Pope During SNL Performance

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By Kyle Scanlan

NEW YORK — Following a nearly week-long feud with Sinead O’Connor that included multiple open letters, harsh critiques and an ugly Twitter war, 20-year-old Miley Cyrus licked a picture of the Pope during her Saturday Night Live performance, according to sources.

"I completely forgot Sinead ripped up that picture of the Pope on SNL," said Cyrus moments after parodying O’Connor’s infamous incident from a 1992 Saturday Night Live episode where the Irish singer ripped up a picture of Pope John Paul II. 

Cyrus continued: “I was born a month after she did the most talked about thing of her career. I had to YouTube the clip, because I wasn’t alive then.” 

At press time Miley Cyrus was unavailable for further comment, because she is 20 years old and has 150 million dollars. 

Photo courtesy of James Webb

October 4th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Ronnie Spector Writes Open Letter to Miley Cyrus, Sinead O’Connor, Amanda Palmer, ‘Everybody Else In the Damn World’

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By David Sharp

Rock and Roll pioneer and Girl Group queen bee Ronnie Spector has added her own experienced, husky alto to the ongoing Miley Cyrus controversy by penning an open letter to Cyrus, Sinead O’Connor, Amanda Palmer, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Carol King, Billie Holliday, and “everybody else in the damn world that thinks it’s any of their pervy little business.”

The body of her letter began:

Girls, I love you, but you don’t know how good you’ve got it. We’re lucky to live in a world where this is the conversation. Where Miley had the platform she had to do all those up-rilin’ things she did. Is there even such a thing as happiness, babies? Can’t we all just do the Sha-La-La forever? And what kind of mysticism do you use to justify the existence of some objective sexual morality? Whatever that magazine that is, sister, I don’t subscribe.

Without apologizing for the gender imbalances that obviously still exist within the industry, Spector, whose 1986 duet with Eddie Money “Take Me Home Tonight” reached no. 4 on the Billboard charts, also recounted several extreme tales of the past misogyny that was endemic within the music industry:

Let me put it this way, my candy-coated switchblade sisters: you never had to marry Phil Spector just to get your records published. That handgun-obsessed psychopath kept a glass coffin for me in the basement of his castle “in case I ever tried to leave him.” At least nobody here has had all their shoes stolen so they “can’t run away from the Wig-Master.” Amanda, you apparently had to marry Neil Gaiman for some unholy reason, but I suspect, beyond all logic, that you’re into it.

Spector continued:

“Whoa-O-O Whoa.”

The 2007 Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame Inductee was incredibly candid in her letter, disclosing many personal details of her life regarding sex and the music industry:

I had sex with Tom Waits once. Is it because I found him attractive? Heavens no. I did it for the rasp. For the gravelly comingling of our voices in the throws of animal passion. It was about the sex and the sounds in tandem, the bubblegum pop of the orgasm. He smelled like a bar mat but he had a member like a can of Hamm’s.

Spector ended her letter by saying:

Miley, do whatever the fuck you god damn want. There are more important things in the world for us to worry about than publicly critiquing other women that are finding success. Like forming supergroups with those women instead. Come on now, my babies, and be my new Ronnettes. You three and me, we can conquer the world together with our new-century Wall of Sound. Love is the only god, rock ‘n’ roll will never die, for a more complete understanding of the theoretical underpinnings of my ideas read Hélène Cixous’ The Laugh of the Medusa, Shoop, Shoop, Shoop Da-Dee-Dee doop.

Ronnie Spector’s newest record is Ronnie Spector’s Best Christmas Ever, available now at iTunes and amazon.com.

David Sharp is Senior Editor of the Rock ‘N’ Roll High School Yearbook.

Photo Courtesy of powerruner57

October 4th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

What Your STD Says About Your Personality

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…does she look fabulous?

By Erin Zimmerman

STDs are like volcanoes. Scary as shit, but mostly dormant. However, that doesn’t mean one poor choice in the KDR basement can’t encapsulate you as a person. So we at the Shirley’s Temple laboratories have spent half hours evaluating what your genital ailment says about your personality. Symptomatic or not, if you can’t turn excruciating urination into an opportunity for narcissism then the penicillin probably isn’t working.

Herpes—You’re a go-getter, always itching to be at the center of the action. And even when that action is high-risk and impulse-based, you don’t let a few bumps along the way interfere with your evening. Basically, you’re a fun-time gal.

Chlamydia—Some people may see you as average, but you know your self-worth. The people you are most intimate with see it too and they are always burning to be with you. Basically, you’re a fun-time gal.

Syphilis—Your look may be trendy, but you’re an old soul. It may take awhile for a guy to notice you, but once he does you drive him crazy and he can’t ever let you go. Basically, you’re a fun-time gal.

Crabs—You have thousands of friends and each of them sees you as the most hospitable person they know. Caring and selfless, you’ll endure even the slightest discomfort to make sure everyone around you is comfortable. Basically, you’re a fun-time gal.

AIDS—You may be the girl that always has a cocktail in her hand, but you keep things low-key. You let things simmer, sometimes for years until the heat can’t be ignored any longer, before going full-boil. Basically, you’re a fun-time (and SKINNY!) gal.

Erin Zimmerman wrote this article for your entertainment. However, the research still haunts her so you better be fucking appreciative

Photo courtesy of flickr.

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