October 8th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Pluto Relegated To Lesser Character Status

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By Ross Kelly

ORLANDO, Fla. — A spokesperson for The EPCOT Center announced Tuesday they have determined that Pluto lacks the sufficient qualities to officially be named a main character. Instead, Pluto has been relegated from the Magic Kingdom to the Fantasyland Kingdom. 

The Magic Kingdom, now with only eight members, consists of Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Cinderella, Snow White, Donald Duck, Goofy, Peter Pan and Pinocchio. The Fantasyland Kingdom, a much broader group of characters, consists of characters such as the Seven Dwarves, Bolt, The Mad Hatter and twin chipmunks, Chip and Dale. 

"For so long, we just took for granted that [Pluto] was a main character because of his association with Mickey Mouse," said Daniel Stolen, spokesperson for EPCOT. "But after a closer inspection, which we had always thought unnecessary, we noticed that he was just a shitty dog that didn’t really bring anything to the table at all. At least Goofy talks."

Ross Kelly did more research for this article than he would like to admit.

October 3rd, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Prison Rethinks Supplying Inmates With Weights

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By Ross Kelly

BOISE — The Idaho Maximum Security Institution has announced it regrets instituting weight lifting as a staple of daily prison life. In a press conference today, IMSI leaders admitted the mistake and said they have already conducted several meetings on the issue and how to replace the popular pastime. 

"We are a relatively new facility," said Warden Al Ramirez. "During the initial conception for the institution back in the mid 80s, it was sort of a given that there would be numerous weight rooms. No one ever thought, ‘Hey there, excuse me. Why are we giving the most dangerous men in the country a way to get huge and really strong?’ It’s really dumb. It’s like that movie Deep Blue Sea where they accidentally made great white sharks really smart, trying to cure Alzheimer’s.”

Corrections officers, though encouraged to keep fit, seem to be having trouble keeping up with the inmates. “It’s not fair,” complains Jeffrey Duda, C.O. at the facility. “Just about all they have to do is work out. It’s super scary when you go to work and have to walk around with a bunch of dangerous criminals lifting about a Toyota’s-worth of weight on a bar and never breaking eye contact. Why don’t we make them fire-proof, too? And let’s line their bones with Adamantium, while we have them under for their cognitive enhancement surgeries.”

Among the activities being considered for replacing weight lifting are ice hockey, blacksmithing/metal forging, fertilizer production, marksmanship, Krav Maga and stickers. 

Ross Kelly weighs 150 pounds

September 20th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Center For Disease Control Releases New Line Of Fall Diseases

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By Ross Kelly

ATLANTA, Ga. — The Center for Disease Control unveiled their new line of diseases for the upcoming season on Saturday at this year’s Atlanta Plague, Epidemic and Syndrome Expo. The line of ailments has been long-anticipated since last season’s Avian Flu. 

The  Atlanta Plague, Epidemic and Syndrome Expo, held every year at the Atlanta Expo Center, is attended by a who’s who of the medical scene, as well as epidemistas from around the world. At this year’s event was Dr. Xin Xao, who was the brains behind the H2N2 Asian Flu, well-regarded as the decisive shift into the modern era of diseases. 

The CDC claims the new season’s offerings will rival their sexiest and most fearsome epidemic to date, HIV/AIDS. Among the new collection are several deconstructions of past ailments, such as a revamped flu strain. The new flu, called Grippe D’Enfants (translated as “Children’s Flu”), is targeted mostly toward a younger audience, and creates a slimming effect among the infected.

Also in the collection is a brand new virus called Red Thrust. "We haven’t been this excited about a new virus in a long time," said CDC spokeswoman, Dr. Brenda Washer. Red Thrust promises fatalities in a sleek, highly-contagious package.

"Dr. Michele LeGraneaux has been working so hard on this collection for so long with his team, and we couldn’t be more proud of them," Washer said. "They have really created something of which everyone can be afraid. We expect world-wide coverage within the first three weeks of its official release.”

The new line of maladies officially drops October 3. Hospitals are already preparing quarantine centers and mobile evacuation units. 

Ross Kelly owns stock in respirators.

September 2nd, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Psychiatrists To Change Term ‘Dissociative Identity Disorder’ To ‘Bananas’ Starting Friday

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By Ross Kelly

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The American Psychiatric Association (APA) announced that, starting Friday, the mental disorder now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder will be changed to Bananas. The disorder used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder until 1994, when it was changed to reflect that the condition is a splintering of one’s personality rather than a growth of new personalities. 

That’s about to change, though. The name of the condition will change once again. “Dissociative Identity Disorder is hard to say, it’s cumbersome,” says Dr. Robert Mitchellson, Associate Director of the APA. “Besides, who ever thought about what the name even means? One guy, that’s who. The guy that changed it thought about it. Everyone else was like ‘What?’ When I say ‘Dissociative Identity Disorder,’ you say ‘Is that Multiple Personality?’ When I say ‘Bananas,’ you say nothing because you know what I mean.”

When asked why the change wouldn’t be made until Friday, Dr. Mitchellson said his friend told him that you couldn’t just switch it. You have to announce it, first. Dr. Mitchellson added that he thought right before the weekend would be a good time to start calling the condition by its new name: Bananas.

Ross Kelly wrote this without any help from his administrative assistant, or his secretary.

August 25th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Muslim Racing Team Delays Race At Bristol

By Ross Kelly

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Bristol, TN - The IRWIN Tools Night Race at Bristol Motor Speedway was held up Saturday evening when a racing team comprised entirely of Muslim men observed one of their five daily prayers just as the race was beginning. 

"If you know anything about our rituals, you know that we pray five times per day. But, they are to be evenly spaced out so that we are constantly reminded of God. One of these prayers is to take place at sunset," says Roddy Jabbour, team tire specialist. Most NASCAR races take place at 1pm ET, giving the team the opportunity to pray before and after the race. But, due to the awkward timing of the race at Bristol, the team, sponsored by DuPont, had no choice but to take to the track for prayer.

"Another thing you might not know is that prayer requires a clean space. The infield is cramped, and full of smoke and noise," says Gil Rafiq, tire changer. "We really had no choice, but to take to the track. We were very sorry to do so. I hope everyone understood," adds Dwayne Siddique, 2nd assistant to the tire changer.

The race was delayed for around 25 minutes while the team prayed. The crowd remained completely silent out of respect for the team. One man did stand up and shout that he couldn’t hear them very well, but was quickly shushed and ejected from the race. 

Ross Kelly enjoys circles.

August 19th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Maya Rudolph To Give Birth After Six-Year Pregnancy

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By Ross Kelly

LOS ANGELES - Lady actress and coshedienne Maya Rudolph has announced that, after 24 trimesters, she will finally give birth after seven more trimesters. Rudolph, 41, has no explanation for her extended gestation period, and neither do her doctors. 

"The hardest part was trying to conceal my pregnancy," says Rudolph. "Shrek the Third was pretty easy, because the animators could kind of cheat my character’s belly a little bit by not drawing her as pregnant. But, everything else was pretty much difficult. But, thanks to expert wardrobe consultants, no one ever knew I was pregnant.” 

Rudolph has yet to comment on whether she and the father (Paul Thomas Anderson) will keep the person when it is born, or put it up for adoption. She has confirmed that they will immediately start trying again.

Ross Kelly only gestated for five weeks.

August 13th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

Fantasy Baseball Team Owner To Appeal Suspensions Of All His Best Players

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By Ross Kelly

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Jeremy Priceler, (49) has recently been struck with a bit of bad luck. Three of the top batsmen on his first-place fantasy baseball team have all been suspended for the remainder of the season for the use of performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs). Though the outraged fantasy manager of Foul Balls doesn’t condone the use of PEDs, he does think it is a great fantasy injustice that he should have to pay such a fantasy premium this close to fantasy playoffs. So, the near-middle-aged fantasy manager intends to appeal MLB commissioner Bud Selig’s decision to suspend Johnny Peralta, Everth Cabrera and Nelson Cruz.

"I did the research, had an amazing draft, made smart trades. And now, the backbone of my team is being ripped from its body," pleaded Priceler as he aggressively smeared a tear with the palm of his hand. "What if you had a family? What if you had a beautiful wife and five great kids? And then, what if one day, someone just decided to take away the best ones? And now, you’re left with kids that are okay, but they aren’t kids that you can build a family around."

Priceler agrees that punishments should be given to those guilty players, but does not support the timing. “There’s almost $200 on the line here, and a lot of pride. This is people’s lives,” says Priceler.

Priceler has been rehearsing a press conference for the past 10 days. Selig has yet to hear of Priceler’s intentions.

Ross Kelly admires Jeremy Priceler’s balls.

May 3rd, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

House Approves Bill To Turn Basement Into Rec Room

By Ross Kelly, @stupidrosskelly on Twitter

BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — The Landry family has been pushing for a finished basement for seven years. They say putting drywall and insulation down there would greatly reduce their utility bills. It would also allow them to put a little ambiance around their pool table such as a wet bar and a flat-screen TV with a Nintendo Wii. “This pool table was given to us by my father-in-law three years ago. But it looks terrible sitting in an unfinished basement. I want to be able to relax down there, or have a party, or watch a game,” says Bill Landry, the primary sponsor of the initiative. 

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The Landry family’s proposal was stalled twice over the last seven years due to the house expressing concern that “these ‘improvements’ will likely involve compromising the structural integrity of an already unstable foundation.” 

The house agreed to Bill’s renovations Monday on the condition that the house will have the ultimate say on which contractor is used. “I’ve dealt with Bills like this before,” says the house. “What this Bill wants to do is make life more convenient with no consideration for the future of the house.”

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(Above: Bill Landry standing with house to be renovated)

Pending the selection of a reputable contractor, the Landry family hopes to begin renovations by mid-May, and have everything completed by the end of June. “This is going to be better for everyone, especially the house. We already have color schemes picked out and everything,” claims Landry.

Ross Kelly is The Whiskey Journal’s foremost authority on government

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April 15th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

NRA Spokesman Claims Insufficient Evidence That ‘Mysterious Wound In Man’s Head’ Was Caused By Gunfire

By Ross Kelly, @stupidrosskelly on Twitter

FORT WORTH, TX - The NRA sponsored its first NASCAR race Saturday at the Texas Motor Speedway, during which a man apparently shot himself in the head near his pickup truck in the infield. Local police have ruled the death a suicide, but NRA officials have argued that, not only is it beyond a reasonable doubt that the fatal wound was self-inflicted, they are not convinced the death is gun-related at all. 

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NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre conceded that a gun was found in the hand of deceased, but claims that it is purely circumstantial. “Any number of objects could have entered the victim’s head from the right and exited through the left, killing him instantly and humanely while he coincidentally held a gun,” said LaPierre. “Rocks, meteor fragments, arrows, a piece of the track that got kicked up during the race, a lug nut, there are air compressors all over the place here. And, that’s just a few things it could have been off the top of my head… Spontaneous combustion, maybe.”

The man was seen engaged in an altercation with other spectators early on in the race, a fact which LaPierre claims means nothing. “Two of my wives were heard arguing with me shortly before each was killed by probably not a gun,” said the spokesman. 

Kyle Busch won the race.

Ross has been shot over 100 times, and hated all of them.  image 

March 24th, 2013
thewhiskeyjournal

30-Something Man Realizes He Is Happier When Not Working, Decides To Just Do That

By Ross Kelly @stupidrosskelly on Twitter

St. Louis, MO - Recently unemployed Bryan Kim (30) was stressed for a couple of days after he lost his job until he found that he was much happier not having to get up and go to work every day. Kim was employed with Real Estate firm in the West County area of St. Louis, and was laid off two weeks ago due to a massive drop off in homes going up for sale. 

"I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. The firm I worked for isn’t the only one making cutbacks. The entire field is suffering, and this is all I know how to do," says Kim. But on day three of Kim’s alarm not going off, another alarm didn’t go off. "I wasn’t worried about something I had forgotten. When my phone rang, I didn’t assume was going to be bad. I don’t even have to answer it any more, really. So, I think I’m just going to be a this from now on."

Until two weeks ago, Kim had to get up at 8:00am in order to be at work by 9:00am. He then had to stay at work for literally hours on end, sometimes as many as eight or nine. While at work, there were, as Kim puts it, “dozens” of tasks with which he had to deal. Rarely was there a break, often as little as two per day. Kim had to do this every single day except for two designated days per week. In Kim’s particular case, he was permitted to stay home on Saturdays and Sundays. “It got to the point where when Monday came, I didn’t like it,” laments Kim. “So why would I want to go back to that? This is better. I could read all day if I wanted to. I don’t read very much, but I could if I wanted to.”

Kim plans to collect unemployment for as long as possible, and then look at Craigslist. For now, he intends to continue his mission to see every movie nominated a Best Picture Oscar, and create the illusion of adulthood for his live-in girlfriend.

Ross Kelly is taking donations.

 

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